(Just for fun here is what I'm left feeling like all too often, Ms. Hannegan in "Annie". If you don't know how it goes here it is, but just picture me saying little boys instead.)
No, my greatest trial is not akin to Ms. Hannegan's love of bathtub gin, my greatest trial is my own selfishness. I battle it all day, everyday. My goal as a young girl was to be a mother. Nothing ever prepared me for what that entailed. I got my first glimpse when I brought Brooklyn home from the hospital. The longest she ever slept was 2 hours. I was exhausted and I laid there awake waiting for her cry, dreading it. I think I sobbed the first three nights.
Embarrassing isn't it? I was throwing such a fit. I have come a long way since then. By the time I had Caleb I would simply sleepwalk through the feedings.
With Seth, I enjoyed the quiet time with him.
I don't remember much about my daily thoughts or feelings when the older three were little. I guess I was too busy to acknowledge how I felt. Then they grew. Before I knew it they were sleeping all night, playing well with one another and we were busy with activities. I had them home, in bed asleep by 7pm every night. It was bliss.
Then came another marriage and two more babies.
I work with kids all day to come home to more kids. Nothing in the house really belongs to me. The kids are in my closet, my kitchen, my laundry room, my bathroom! I consider them when I plan our menu. I consider them when I plan anything! I pass up just about every invitation to go anywhere with friends. I get so little time with my children and the time I get does not seem to have the best quality. So, I stay home quite a bit.
And it's not easy to admit it but I get a bit resentful at times. Horrible isn't it? Mainly my resentment surfaces when they are arguing with each other, arguing with me, being exceptionally loud, and simply not listening to what I say. That is even worse though because these are times that my calm reaction can set the mood in my home and I'm afraid I rarely react calmly. I lose my temper, I yell or just lash out in some ridiculous way that I have too much pride to relay. I am selfish with my time at night. I want them out of sight by 8:30, but that rarely happens. I want to sleep in on Saturday, again that rarely happens.
They are wonderful kids and Bobby is great and lets me take a nap on Sunday when he's home, but I often get grumpy anyway. The solution? I don't know yet. I've tried prayer, putting myself in time out, using a softer voice, explaining to them how I feel, yelling at them, ignoring them... etc. It's endless. However, my greatest trial will eventually be my greatest reward. If I can combat my selfishness and overcome it, that will be a huge win for me, so it's worth it. How do I plan to combat it? By working on giving charitably and thinking less of myself. I'll let you know how that goes.